Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A Recent Newspaper Article?

Predatory real estate practices have become more common in the Twin Cities area. As housing prices decline some Real Estate salespeople and mortgage brokers have taken advantage of those in need of help. A common tactic used is called a "Sale Lease-Back." In this transaction the victim doesn't realize they have had their home stolen out from underneath them and their equity stripped away. Landlords are also becoming more desperate as rents have been falling throughout the Metro Area.

Cassandra Lopez of Minneapolis is one of those victims. Now homeless and living outside the Campbell Mithun Tower in Minneapolis Lopez says, "He said it was the right thing to do, now look at me! I'm homeless!" Taken advantage of by a crooked mortgage broker she sits and begs a passer by, "Change sir?" Less than a week ago while begging for money Lopez was kicked in the teeth by a man who refused to help. The man charged in the crime, Luke Douglason (L - St. Paul), commented, "Get a job you dirty lobster cunt." Police used a chemical irritant to subdue Douglason when he was arrested at his place of employment after the lunch time incident.

Lopez accuses Lex Taylor (L - New Brighton) of stealing her home and defrauding her of thousands of dollars. "She should have known better," said Taylor when reached for comment. "All these people who speak nothing but Mexican think they can buy all of our houses. They're OUR houses! I'm the only one trying to stop it. You should be thanking me."

Landlords are getting more money hungry too. Recently at HCMC three people were shot to death while being treated for smoke inhilation after their duplex caught fire in Northeast Minneapolis near Arthur and Broadway. Two others died in the fire. Their landlord, Kory Sachs (L - Minneapolis) has been charged with arson, murder, attempted murder, aggravated assault, insurance fraud, sexual assault and sodomy. "You don't pay rent, you don't leave, you trash the place and you expect me to just sit there? Screw You!," screamed Sachs through the bars at the Hennepin County Jail.

Most of the charges stem from the fire that Sachs is accused of starting. When asked why he shot the survivors Sachs said, "Cause they'd sue me! That's the kind of sub-human animals they are!" The sexual assault and sodomy charges stem from when police found Sachs at another of his rental properties in Minneapolis. According to the criminal complaint Sachs forced a tenant to perform oral sex on him as a "Late Fee."

Using the term "Sub-Human Animals" to describe tenants comes from a man known only as Mike (L - St. Paul), founder of the "$lumlord$," a street gang in the Highland Park area of St. Paul. Standing outside his home and leaning against his 2006 Chevrolet Corvette he said, "I had to throw a lot of single moms out on the street in the dead of winter to get this fuckin' thing! It's like a rounding error in my checkbook to buy shit like this!"

Mike's laugh is more of an evil grunt say his neighbors. We asked Mike if he feared being prosecuted by the Ramsey County District Attorney for all of the building code and human rights violations his gang commits. Mike responded by saying, "I've got it covered, they're on the payroll."

David Thune (Douche - St. Paul) could not be reached for comment. His secretary said he could be found mingling with his constituents from the driver's seat of his M1 Abrams Tank smashing tobacco shops and running down cigarette smokers with the .50 caliber machine gun today.

6 Comments:

Blogger Klaus said...

Nicely done, but how do you run down smokers with a .50 MG? Mowing down perhaps?

I think you have captured the "heart" of what Libertarianism is all about!

11:59 AM  
Blogger Insurgent said...

Shit, dude--this is totally inspired! Outstanding!

Only one factual error...homeless people aren't allowed outside the CM tower.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Lee said...

Good post, but shit, what about me? :)

7:24 PM  
Blogger J_x_2 said...

Ahhh...Libertopia. A "community" of individuals concerned solely with # 1. We'll all be so busy shooting each other our suing each other that no production will take place.

Pistols at dawn, or court at noon?

9:06 PM  
Blogger That Religious Studies Website said...

'cunt: (noun) a woman who is thoroughly disliked; "she said her son thought Hillary was a bitch"'

'Latin words related to [cunt are] cunnus: cuneatus, wedge-shaped; cuneo v. fasten with a wedge; (figurative) to wedge in, squeeze in, leading to English words like cuneiform (wedge-shaped)'

Yeah - Googling is fun!!!

9:10 PM  
Blogger That Religious Studies Website said...

P.s. Sorry, I mistakenly posted this comment in the article on porn first tine round, not here... What a 'wedge-shape'.

P.p.s. Diane Pierce (Kare 11) is a 'wedge-shape' as well! I just seen the hoe-bag bitch's face on my TV!!!

9:12 PM  

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