Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Time and time again

Just saw this story:

All of these fools seem to think they're above the law!

"Sgt. Vick I'm wasted! I Need backup!"

The reason I came to post tonight is to display an uncanny similarity between two individuals: One is my friend Nik and the other shouldn't need any introduction. All Nik needed was a mustache which I kindly drew on a printed picture of him.

First Click Here

Then Click Here

Monday, April 24, 2006

Let the good times roll!

Had quite the eventful weekend. Chris and I went out to Psycho Suzie's on Friday night. He needed some brews and time with me away from his wife. His wife is really awesome but I think he's still trying to adjust to living with her 24/7. They're not the first couple to go through that. Chris is selling his Ducatti 750 Super Sport if anyone is interested in a sweet bike. It has about 5000 miles on it and has been well cared for. $3500 makes it yours.

Saturday night was fun at Luke and Lee's place again. This time things got out of hand. First problem, everyone was armed to the teeth. When will the government do something about all the guns! Next we played dress-up with Kari, she was a good sport about it.

The most disturbing part of the evening was when someone suggested that they put BULLETS in their shot glasses and take 'em down. My only thought was WTF. So Lee, Jeremy and Dan all swallowed a .380 automatic bullet with their whiskey. I've been meaning to ask Jeremy if he passed it yet, I'll do that later.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

All this to get two little stickers.......

WARNING: This post will contain many f-bombs. If you are a little sissy, and cannot deal with a lot of f-bombing, click here. If you are not a little sissy, read on.

Fuck! Months ago I renewed my vending machine licenses with the City of Minneapolis far in advance of their expiration date. My papers were obviously not in order. The Ministry of Health placed stickers over the bill and coin acceptors of the machines saying that the fees had not been paid to the Ministry. Becasue the fees had not been paid, no one can use the machines. Well people are fuckin' hungry so the hotel guests ripped the stickers off (exposing themselves to criminal liability according to the sticker) and bought some fuckin' candy ANYWAY? Why would someone commit such a terrible criminal act? Because when you've smoked a bunch of weed you want a fucking snickers! That's why! And you'll do whatever you can to get the candy!

The following is the just of the conversation that I had at the license counter at Minneapolis City Hall. I have changed my side of the conversation. The following is WHAT I THOUGHT, NOT WHAT I SAID! In her defense, Carol seems like a very nice lady.

"Hi," said Carol from behind the counter.

"I fuckin' paid this crap months ago and you shut down my vending machines! What the fuck!"

Carol reviews my papers and checks her computer, "I don't show your licenses as paid."

"Yeah, why would you show them as paid, that wouldn't make any sense, CONSIDERING I FUCKING PAID THEM! You have the reciept with YOUR paid stamp on it in your fucking hand! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh You were the bureaucrat who took my money for them! I remember you! Why do I remember you? Because you told me exactly how many days you had until retirement and could start sucking on the government tit for the rest of your fucking life!"

"Well if it's not shown as paid in the computer I'll have to find out where the money went," Carol stated.

"I'll just pay the shit again, what is it, $30? That'll be cheaper than my legal defense will cost if I ever find who wrote the city law to LICENSE fucking vending machines! If I just pay you again will you quit fucking with my vending machines? Damn it! Shit! Fuck!"

Carol took out a three page form and handed it to me. "Fill this out and I'll get your renewal through again."

I filled out the whole fucking three page form, what a waste of time! Carol took it to her computer to start puting the data in. "Your form says Product Vending Systems, LLC and my computer says Product Vending Systems, Inc., which is it?" asked Carol.

"The LLC is mine and the Inc. is the FORMER OWNER! I wrote that on the last two fucking renewal applications I filled out!"

"Oh, then you need to fill out an application for a new license, not a renewal because you're a new business," Carol said.

"Fine, give me the fucking thing!" The next form I filled out was the SAME FUCKING FORM except it said "New Application" on top instead of "Renewal Application." Five more minutes later I was done with that mother-fucker too.

"That'll be a $141," stated Carol.

"What the fuck! I thought it was $30! You criminal dickheads! Why don't you just fuck me with a frozen, cast iron dildo! Damn it all to hell!"

"You have to pay a NEW APPLICATION FEE, that's where the extra money comes in," said Carol.

I now felt as though the government had just cum in my mouth. (I know that sounds gross but you can thank Lewis Black for that line, I'm not the first to say that.)

So I paid the fees for my permission to conduct business. I couldn't believe that shit. What a bunch of crap. Click on the No Force, No Fraud and scroll down a bit to read Bob's writing on city government, it's more of the same. Sue happened to call after this all happened. Thank goodness she did. I got to scream at her about the whole fiasco. She was very nice and listened to everything I had to yell about, plus it's nothing compared to what she's dealt with.

One word sums it all up: Fuck.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Just a funny blurb

Tonight at the Oil Awareness Meetup Hugh introduced an interesting finding:

A ailen biologist from a distant star formation came to study life on earth. The ailen biologist concluded, from studying the United States, that there was one form of life at the top of the food chain, cars.

The biologist saw that cars have enslaved servants known as humans. Many cars sleep in garages at night but some are homeless and sleep outside. Each day the human slaves bring the cars to parking lots outside of large buildings so the cars can spend all day socializing.

The ailen biologist further observed that the human slaves use much of their disposable income on the keeping of the cars happy. They provide health care for the cars (repairs), food (gasoline) and jewelry (22's). Some slaves provide their masters with tatoos and other adornments to keep them happy.

This tale comes from Hugh, a man who owns two cars but hasn't driven either of them for more than 9 MONTHS!!! Good job Hugh!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Buffalo girls won't ya come out tonight

Jeremy's quotes to remember:

Scene One
Setting: The drive home from Luke and Lee's on Saturday night in my truck.
Jeremy: Rex your truck's clock is off.
Rex: Not by more than two minutes maybe.
Jeremy: Oh, sorry, I was looking at the CD counter.

Scene Two
Setting: In the garage next to the box of toothbrushes for my vending business.
Jeremy: Could I have one of your toothbrushes?
Rex: Take one of the bigger ones, they don't fit in all of my machines.
Jeremy: I gaged when I was brushing my teeth and puked a little mustard on my old one.
Rex: That's fuckin' disgusting, just take the new one!

Scene Three
Setting: Me typing this blog entry in my room and Jeremy folding laundry in his room.
Jeremy: I have never cleaned all of my laundry in the same day, I have too many t-shirts.
Rex: (laughs, laughs again, and again)
Jeremy: I might just give you the libertarian ones because I don't give a rats ass anymore.
Rex: So you don't see any hope for the libertarian party?
Jeremy: I would see hope if there were a bunch of billionare libertarians, but we're screwed!

Jeremy and I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart tonight. I've never been a classic movie fan but it was a great film. Jeremy confessed that he usually cries at the end of that movie. That statement just reinforces my thesis that Jeremy may look like a mad dog killer, but he's really just a fuzzy teddy bear.

Backing up to previous events, good times were had on Saturday. My cousin Kari and her husband Micheal had a baby named Gabriel in January. Gabriel is cute and polite. He only cried when Karin held him. Gabriel was probably jealous that he will not be the only cute baby around soon because Karin is pregnant now as well (Go Brian!). We crammed more than 25 people into Jolene and Steve's house to celebrate Gabriel's birth last Saturday afternoon. Good times were had by all.

I told Uncle Dick that I wouldn't use him anymore to do my taxes because he's quitting the business soon. It didn't seem to hurt his feelings. Dick believes in "paying your fair share." I told that to my new accountant Deborah "Frenchie" McDonald. That almost made Frenchie cry, I saw a tear form but she fought it back. I told Frenchie that the ultimate goal number on the bottom line of your 1040 form is zero. Her boss corrected me and said, "No it's a negative number!"

I think I'll refer to her in the future as "Frenchie the Tax Ninja!" She found multiple missed deductions from 03 and 04 that Dick and his coworker missed for me in past years. Frenchie then pulled out her katana swords from behind her desk, took off her glasses and did some crazy chop, chop, slash, chop on my adjusted gross income (agi). She was like Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I swear. Reciepts were flying and people ran screaming down the hallway, she went totally nuts!

When all the dust and shreded tax forms settled on the ground, my AGI was around 14k bucks. That is so awesome, lovin' that depreciation! I gladly paid the bill for "Ninja Services Rendered." It's not often that you can write a check for $475 and smile!

Talked to Chris finally and he's alive and well. I keep finding more of his stuff in the house even though he moved out months ago. Today I found a box with a karate belt and some shirts and his leather motorcycle jacket.

I need to get a picture of the ghetto fabulous body work we did on Chris's Honda. He spent about $225 on mostly junkyard parts after nailing some other person's bumper. Part of the car we straightened out by yanking on it with my Jeep and a tow strap. Now Chris and his beautiful bride Karin cruise the neighborhood, straight pimpin' in a red Accord with a gray hood. From time to time Karin leans out the window and screams, "We're Rich Beeeeeeatch!" Thank goodness he has that RX-8 too.

Busy week coming up: executive committee meeting monday night, sign tax forms on tuesday, meetup wednsday, tax day protest, convention and poker saturday!